Happy pre-fall to those of you experiencing cooler temps and lower humidity!

Perhaps seasonally 🍂 appropriate, a theme that’s been coming up again and again in coaching conversations lately is the idea of holding things loosely. While this overlaps with what I wrote earlier about letting go, here I’m talking more specifically about loosening our attachment to expectations.

In Buddhism, this is at the heart of nonattachment and impermanence, principles that describe how clinging creates suffering. When we grip too tightly to what we want (or think we want), we end up on an emotional roller coaster: rising with excitement when things seem to line up, then plummeting down when they don’t. Plus, we struggle to simply accept what is.

Attachment to outcomes also narrows our perspective. We treat results as binary: either our dream comes true (success) or it doesn’t (failure), and we miss the many other possibilities that might arise.

Some Examples from my Coaching Practice

To share some real-life examples, one of my clients is looking to transition from managing massive government architecture projects to developing his own boutique hotels and hospitality destinations. He tends to get swept up when an exciting opportunity appears, throwing all his spare energy into the concept. If the deal falls through during due diligence, he’s wracked with heavy disappointment and self-doubt until something else comes along. Together, we’ve worked on reframing these moments as opportunities for learning and relationship-building, while staying anchored to his long-term vision, to be more intentional about his pursuits. He shared:

Another client is navigating something heavier. She’s suffering from severe burnout and a deep lack of self-confidence in her role, describing her day-to-day as being in constant crisis mode. In her words, conversations with other women in the industry feel like “clutching at straws,” relying on these touchpoints to continue keeping her afloat. The problem is, her sense of stability feels entirely dependent on others. While support systems are essential, it’s also critical to develop ways of propping ourselves up. In our coaching, we’ve been working on building in regular self-care, celebrating her accomplishments, and advocating for herself at work. The goal is to help her regain autonomy over her well-being and career, and to shift the perspective that says she’s only okay if others are holding her up.

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On a lighter note, I have a client facing a different challenge: planning her partner’s first trip to Italy. Like most decisions in her life, she’s poured hours into agonizing over options, in this case, for hotels, restaurants, and even ticket tiers for cultural sites. There’s nothing wrong with doing research and being prepared, but we all know travel rarely goes exactly as planned, and sometimes the best memories come from the unexpected. This intensive analysis and optimization of decisions not only consumes a ton of time and energy, but also leaves plenty of room for doubt, second-guessing, and potential disappointment. We’ve been practicing creating space for spontaneity and building trust that she can handle whatever comes her way.

What Opens Up When We Loosen Our Hold

When we release our grip on expectations, we strengthen skills like flexibility, adaptability, and resilience, all critical in today’s world of constant change and uncertainty. And perhaps most importantly, we open ourselves to curiosity, surprise, and a greater acceptance of the unforeseen.

Experiments to Try

However, building more trust in possibility takes practice. Give one of these a try and let me know how it goes!

📝✨ Crumple & Toss
Write down a few expectations that you notice yourself gripping tightly. Write each one down on a piece of paper, crumple each into a ball, and toss them into a basket across the room. How does it feel to literally let go?

🎴🔀 What-If Shuffle
Grab a few index cards or scraps of paper. Write down a variety of different possible outcomes to a specific scenario, one per card. Mix them up, and draw one at random. Ask yourself: If this happened, how could it still move me forward? Keep going through the stack.

🎲🤝 Surprise Me!
Ask someone you trust (a friend, partner, colleague, or kiddo) to make a decision for you this week, without providing them the pros/cons of your deliberation. This could be as “simple” as choosing a restaurant, playlist, or route home. See what it’s like to relinquish control and stay open to what unfolds!

The concept of self-awareness has been on my mind lately, possibly because so few of us seem to exhibit it in our culture. It's not just someone you know living in constant denial about their role in patterns playing out over and over again. We're watching billionaire "leaders" live lives of staggering hypocrisy. What's being modeled for us is that it's acceptable (even advantageous) to be completely clueless about how you come across to others. I won't even get started on the individual occupying the highest office in the US, probably the least self-aware (yet most visible) person on the planet.

It also annoys me how professional content on self-awareness, while offering valuable advice on seeking diverse feedback, identifying our blind spots, and acknowledging mistakes, leans so heavily on the premise that managing social perception is primarily about advancing your career.

But here's what they're missing: without self-awareness, it's impossible to deepen and grow as an individual, and more importantly, to connect meaningfully with others. Strengthening relationships requires an openness to constructive criticism, dedicated self-reflection, and a willingness to adapt our behavior.

There's another dimension to self-awareness I frequently encounter with my coaching clients: the tendency toward self-judgment and doubt. For example, one client questioned her ability to persevere through challenges or see projects through to completion, until we reviewed her history of resilience. A colleague had even highlighted her perseverance in a recent recommendation letter, for a job opportunity that happened to align with a long-term professional goal. This realization fostered a greater sense of agency and a renewed investigation of her strengths.

Reflecting on my own journey, where self-awareness emerged later than I would have hoped, I can identify several key moments that shifted my self-perception, forced some uncomfortable reckoning, and changed how I show up in the world.

At 19, I studied abroad (for the first time), in Europe. What a wake-up call to how much of the world views Americans. Those experiences became critical moments for examining my own identity and confronting my previously unconscious ignorance.

In my early twenties, I was living in San Francisco with a very dedicated partner. In retrospect, I could be immature and even bratty in that relationship. I remember distinctly when my mom visited and pointedly asked him, "Are you just going to let her talk to you like that?" While my behavior didn't seem to bother my partner, having it illuminated so starkly woke me up to my own actions.

Years later, working as a consultant, I excelled at systems thinking, connecting disparate ideas, and rapidly grasping complex subjects. But I've always had impossibly high standards, and I struggled with impatience when others couldn't keep up. On one project, I remember snapping at someone on the client’s team who hadn't been able to follow my train of thought. The look of hurt and confusion on her face made me instantly regret my reaction and recognize how my expectations were affecting others.

When I discovered the Enneagram, particularly the in-depth guide The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Riso & Hudson), it was profoundly revealing to read descriptions of my personality type that resonated so deeply. Beyond the specific insights about Type 8 (the Challenger), the framing I encountered in one of my coaching programs around how difficult it is for people to truly see eye to eye was a major aha moment for me. We all show up with specific ways of being and carry distinct expectations of others, and we're often disappointed when others meet us with completely different demeanors and expectations. This insight illuminated how essential self-awareness and empathy are for fundamental human connection.

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Food for Thought

• What moments in your life feel most revealing in terms of seeing yourself, in any kind of light?

• When has someone else's perspective on your behavior completely surprised you?

• What feedback have you received that you initially dismissed but later realized was spot-on?

• What patterns keep showing up in your relationships or work that you might be contributing to?

• When have you been most incorrect about your own capabilities, either overestimating or underestimating yourself?

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For Further Exploration

• ❓ Take the Enneagram Institute test to identify your Enneagram type and read more for a deep dive into your personality attributes and tools for living the healthiest expression of who you are

• 📓 Grab the School of Life’s Self-Knowledge Collection — cards and journal with thoughtful reflection prompts to help you discover your true, authentic self

• 🎬 Watch: Stutz on Netflix — A tender conversation between Jonah Hill and his therapist, Dr. Phil Stutz, about facing yourself, shadow and all, inner critics, agency, and the work of becoming more emotionally aware.

• 📚 Read Tara Brach’s books Radical Compassion and Radical Acceptance to increase your sense of self-worth by healing shame and fear

• 🪞 Curious about how coaching can support building self-awareness and behavioral change? Book a free 1:1 session to get a taste

Not going to lie… I’ve been struggling a bit lately. (Yes, coaches are only human, ha!)

It’s felt like everything is just hard. And while I fully acknowledge my role in choosing a life stacked with challenge after challenge, recently I’ve felt exhausted and wondering what it would be like if just one thing felt easy. (With this administration only adding to the weight.)

A strong underlying hope/ambition for me is ease over force, yet I still find myself striving, attempting too many things at once, and being left with little energy.

My nature to make things happen is no surprise—assessments consistently place achiever/deliverer, learner/philomath, and activator/catalyst in my top five strengths. These qualities have propelled me forward in life and work.

But here’s the cost: constant drive, the need to go deep and wide, and exceedingly high standards often leave me depleted. (No, not a new lesson for me!)

When I’m not resourced, I can’t show up for myself or others in the way I want—and need—to.

Take preschool drop-offs, for instance. My daughter is navigating separation anxiety, and those goodbyes? Absolutely heart-wrenching. Teachers reassure me she settles quickly, but my nervous system? Completely fried. I’m following the wisdom of trusted parenting psychologists like Dr. Becky and Dr. Tovah Klein, doing everything I can to help her feel safe, secure, and loved.

But all this doing might actually be stressing me out more than just being—accepting toddlerhood (and the so-called “threenager” stage) for what it is and leaning in.

When I skip my breathing, meditation, or physical movement, I’m setting myself up to spiral faster than a toddler tantrum. And if I ignore my need for legit rest, my ability to regulate my nervous system? Gone.

This is where ease over force gets tricky. I’ve always wished I could simply envision what I want and have it magically appear—manifestation, right? But I’ve never been great at it. Or so I thought.

Because sometimes, the universe listens. Last week, I scribbled the word desert on a piece of paper. I was craving that dry, expansive calm that past trips to dry, barren landscapes have given me. I figured maybe I’d plan a trip later in the year.

The very next day, my sister called: “Want to meet me in Arizona this weekend? I have a place to stay, a rental car, and it’s all covered.” A quick check revealed I had flight credits for a direct ticket. My parents were all-in to watch my daughter.

✨ Pure magic. ✨

That desert trip was everything I needed. I came back rested 🛏️, sun-kissed ☀️, and—more importantly—reconnected to a calm, restored version of myself 😌. It shifted my energy, my parenting, and my work.

It also made me pause and wonder: Does it all have to be so hard?

Food for Thought:

• Where in your life are you pushing when you could try softening?

• What’s one small way you could invite more ease into your week?

• How do you know when you’re running on empty? What truly refuels you?

• When was the last time you noticed “magic” or an unexpected alignment? What might that be telling you?

Ease doesn’t mean passive. It means aligned. And sometimes, the simple act of letting go creates the space for exactly what you need to find its way in.

So, where can you loosen your grip today?

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Otherwise Soaking In

Here’s what else has been pulling me in lately:

• Becoming Led Zeppelin: the new documentary origin story of the band and its wildly talented musicians, in theatres now

• Faith, Hope, and Carnage: a deeply soulful discussion between Nick Cave and Seán O’Hagan on grief, religion, and the creative songwriting process—even if you buy the hard-copy, listen to the audio version!

• Nightbitch: an absolutely brilliant film adaptation of Rachel Yoder’s book on the isolation, identity loss, and sacrifice of motherhood, featuring Amy Adams, available on Hulu

Here we are, on the cusp of a new year in the Gregorian calendar. Come January, some people eagerly attempt resolutions, while others avoid them altogether. The challenge with resolutions is that they often fail to stick. Why? They start with a solution rather than addressing the underlying problem, and often overlook the behavioral shifts needed to build lasting habits.

In short, resolutions focus on changes, as opposed to thoughtful transitions.

In this post, I invite you to explore transitions in your life—whether it’s one you’re currently navigating, one from the past that still needs processing, or one you’re preparing for in the year ahead. Together, we’ll unpack how transition differs from change, and the phases that support a meaningful, healthy transition.

Change vs Transition

Change is not easy. Whether a life shift, a professional shake-up, or an unexpected global event, it often feels overwhelming. And in today’s world, where stability and predictability are in short supply, major changes—both anticipated and not—are hitting us more frequently than ever.

Over the past few years, I’ve faced a number of considerable changes: navigating a fertility journey, becoming a solo mom, losing a leadership role, earning multiple coaching certifications, pivoting careers, moving away from my long-time community, and weathering Hurricane Helene—nevermind the global pandemic. Of all these, only one—motherhood—was part of my plan. Even then, the journey was not exactly predictable.

I’m sure you have your own list. And while some changes can be exciting, many are quite rough. That’s usually due to bypassing the internal process of personal transition that supports incorporating external change into your life.

As William Bridges defined it, transition is:

Yet, in a society that prizes speed, growth, and newness, we’re rarely given the time or support to effectively process transitions. We’re expected to “bounce back,” “recover,” and “land on our feet” after a significant disruption.

When we neglect important steps in undergoing personal transition, change is much more difficult. Some people find themselves stuck in regret, unable to let go of the past. Others move forward too quickly, dragging old patterns with them. Even with positive changes, like a promotion or a long-awaited move, we can find ourselves unprepared to handle the accompanying emotions.

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Background

In many past societies, rituals marked the release of one life chapter and prepared individuals for the next. These practices provided structure and meaning to transitions, helping people navigate major changes. However, in today’s world, such rites of passage are largely absent.

The Bridges Transition Model is a powerful framework for navigating transitions. When we take the time to honor endings, embrace the uncertainty of the neutral zone, and fully step into new beginnings, we can emerge stronger and better equipped for the road ahead.

Like any personal development journey, navigating transitions requires inner work, patience, and commitment. The process can be uncomfortable and nonlinear. Yet, the growth that occurs within each phase is essential for truly adapting to and thriving through change.

Why Death Valley?

I chose to feature photos from Death Valley throughout this post because this national park—my favorite—perfectly illustrates the extremes of geographic and weather changes.

Imagine starting your morning at sunrise, standing -282 feet below sea level on salt flats left behind by flash floods. By afternoon, you’re hiking a sun-infused canyon in the warmth of 70-degree (F) air. And by night, you’re camping at 8,200 feet, only to wake up to a snowstorm shaking your tent. All in a single day in November.

The raw power and resilience of nature in Death Valley are humbling to witness. It’s also an ideal place to reflect on personal transitions. With vast, empty landscapes and few signs of other humans, it offers the seclusion and space to sit with your emotions and process life’s shifts.

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Desert sunsets are a stunning way to mark the end of a day with respect for what has transpired while embracing the uncertainty of what comes next.

Phases of Transition

Endings

The first phase of transition is, paradoxically, an ending. It involves letting go of an old aspect of yourself—such as an identity, role, or relationship.

We often resist endings because they can be painful. Endings signify loss, often accompanied by feelings of sadness or grief. To avoid these emotions, we may cling to the past, which can prolong our discomfort in the long run.

For example, in Season 2 of The Gilded Age (spoiler alert!), Marian faces many warnings against marrying her cousin Dashiell—most notably, his inability to let go of his late wife. Let’s be honest: when someone repeatedly calls their partner by an ex’s name, it’s a clear sign they haven’t moved on!

Acknowledging an ending and mourning a loss is necessary to move ahead, most critically to shake our habitual patterns and create space for a new way of being.

The Five Characteristics of Endings

Bridges described five aspects of the ending process. Embracing these can help you navigate this phase:

• Disengagement involves welcoming the space created by a rupture, without jumping right back into the same cycle. For example, when I got Type 1 Diabetes in my late 30s after decades of chronic stress, I had to take a leave of absence from my always-on job—not only to get the disease under control, but to evaluate what I needed to let go of, and sit with this new version of myself.
  

• Dismantling is the process of taking apart the old structures and systems that once defined your life. Dismantling may also include creating new temporary routines to properly mourn your loss. For example, if your daily routine revolved around taking care of your beloved pet who has passed, sit with their absence before immediately filling that void. As you disassemble old routines and reminders, you open up avenues for a new flow.
  

• Disidentification is removing the label that you used to fall into. For example, leaving a long-time career, without a clear path toward a new line of work. Letting go of an old identity can be unsettling, especially in cultures where what we do defines who we are. Yet this separation often leads to valuable self-discovery that wouldn’t be possible otherwise.
  

• Disenchantment refers to breaking away from illusions or narratives that no longer serve us. This might mean seeing the cracks in the picture we had painted (e.g. facing up to the abusive nature of someone we revered), or finally seeing our own role in events that didn’t pan out as we had hoped (e.g., three negative performance reviews in a row). By experiencing disenchantment, we gain the perspective needed to pursue different, improved circumstances.
  

• Disorientation is the confusion that results when your familiar anchors are gone. Disorientation might be expected—like when a star athlete is coping with a career-ending injury—or surprising, such as losing motivation for an ambition that once defined you. Either way, it’s a normal and often crucial sensation before establishing a new direction.

Reflecting on Endings

Everyone experiences endings in their own way. But without fully engaging in the internal release process, it’s impossible to truly embrace what comes next.

• What are you are still holding onto that no longer serves you?

• What do you need to do in order to let go?

• With which of the 5 ‘D’s above do you feel the most discomfort?

• Where might you need to stay a bit longer, to properly “say goodbye”?

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Artist's Palette, while not necessarily a blank canvas, embodies the acceptance of what is and what could be. It invites a release from overthinking and striving, creating a warm, inviting space for openness and creativity.

Neutral Zone

The next transition phase is the neutral zone, a period of limbo between the closure of the past and the unfolding of the future. This is often when people feel the most dazed and confused, immersed in uncertainty. Building comfort in navigating ambiguity was a topic I frequently championed when leading multidisciplinary teams through innovation projects with constant pivots. It turns out, it’s incredibly challenging for most people not to know exactly what’s coming next.

In transitions, the neutral zone may feel chaotic, overwhelming, anxiety-ridden, underwhelming, listless, pointless, and even empty. The key is to succumb to the seeming “nothingness,” embracing the expansiveness that replaces the discipline, rigidity, or fullness of what was once familiar.

This energy shift allows for personal renewal, integration of past experiences, and recentering on purpose. Much like a silent retreat, the initial discomfort gradually gives way to calm, clarity, and powerful insight.

Neutral zones are, in truth, far from inactive. I was particularly struck by Bridges’ description:

Leaning into the neutral zone without rushing towards something—anything—allows us to move more slowly, with intention. While this may sound luxurious or unattainable (“I need a new job ASAP—I’ve got bills to pay, lady!”), it’s worth exploring ways to create space for this process.

Transition phases may precede external change, especially if you’re the catalyst. You might internally let go of a relationship, role, or identity and find yourself reflecting on a new potential chapter before officially closing old doors.

The neutral zone allows us to see the world with fresh eyes, unburdened by our previous constraints and open to new discoveries. Consider this metaphor from a mentor of author Michael Bungay Stanier:

Reflecting on the Neutral Zone

The neutral zone requires a healthy dose of introspection, undertaken at your own pace. This phase is essential for confidently moving from the known, through uncertainty, and into clarity. Some considerations:

• What past decisions in your life felt inherently right? What made them so?

• What intelligence center(s) do you rely on most—head, heart, or body? What might happen if you lean into the one you use least?

• What unexpected thoughts and ideas arise as you allow yourself to settle into this state of unattachment?

• If you feel pressured to jump into the next xyz, what temporary solutions could you implement to give yourself the time and space you need to reflect?

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Standing at 680 feet, Eureka Dunes are the tallest sand dunes in California (and possibly North America). Scaling them is no small feat, but the view from the top feels limitless and evokes a sense of possibility.

New Beginnings

The final transition phase is a new beginning—stepping into a fresh opportunity, taking action, and embracing a new way of being. Ideally, the neutral zone has provided space to explore what you truly want or need and recognize when an option aligns with that vision. It also equips you to approach experimentation with openness, free from narrow expectations.

After so much reflection, diving into something that feels deeply aligned might seem straightforward. Yet new beginnings are almost always challenging, both due to their newness, and our own self-sabotage.

Take new parenthood, for example. Even with extensive preparation, it’s anything but easy. Add returning to work and balancing a dual role, and the complexity grows exponentially. And who are you in all of this?

Even when a new chapter feels undeniably right, various individual constraints can hinder your ability to adapt. This might include imposter syndrome, fear of failure, a fixed mindset, or inherited behaviors—protective mechanisms that, paradoxically, keep you from taking the leap.

Understanding your unique tendencies is key to summoning the courage to move forward, despite the discomfort. However, if you find yourself completely unable to take that step, it may signal that you’re not yet ready to leave the neutral zone—or that the opportunity at hand isn’t the right one for you.

Reflecting on New Beginnings

An external beginning and internal reidentification don’t always occur simultaneously. Achieving alignment between the two requires patience and self-compassion. Here are some tips to help orient yourself during this phase:

• Remember, you’re still you. Transitioning doesn’t mean starting over. Instead, you’re integrating your new self with aspects of your old self, creating a fuller, more authentic version of you—congratulations!

• Visualize success. Imagine yourself thriving in this new identity. What’s your self-confidence level then?

• Take small, intentional steps. Move forward with realistic expectations. Embrace the process and allow yourself to learn along the way.

• Stay focused. Resist shortcuts or distractions that tempt you to bypass the growth this phase offers.

Happy New Year!

Don’t hesitate to reach out if you are interested in learning more about coaching support through a work or life transition.

Transition Resources

For those of you curious to discover more, here are some additional resources. Some are recommendations from others, so I’m not closely familiar with all of them.

• Transitions (and more) by William Bridges, PhD

• Parental Leave Playbook by Amy Beacom, EdD and Sue Campbell

• Role Transitions in Organizational Life by Blake Ashforth

• Nancy K. Schlossberg and Transition Theory

• Life is in the Transitions by Bruce Feiler

Update on Asheville

Following my earlier recount of Hurricane Helene, I realized I hadn’t shared an update. As of mid-November—two months after the storm, but one month earlier than expected—potable running water was restored, and other utilities have stabilized for the most part.

The clean-up and rebuilding process is monumental and ongoing. Progress is steady but slow. Despite the immense challenges and hardships, the community remains incredibly resilient. People are showing up for one another with an inspiring spirit of optimism and collaboration.

Volunteer efforts have been immense and proven critical. Still, the economy is taking a significant hit due to the steep drop in tourism, making it more crucial than ever to support local businesses that have been able to reopen.

Entrepreneurs and activists are working on creative solutions to address current issues and (hopefully) plan for a more sustainable future, without losing the authentic feel that has long-defined Asheville.

Several recent conversations have inspired me to return to the theme of freedom that I kicked off in this post, where I explored personal freedom and ideas for creating more autonomy in our day-to-day lives. Today, I’m investigating freedom in the workplace, and the role managers and organizational leaders play in shaping employees’ experiences of it.

Whether or not you hold a management or leadership position, if you work with others, you still contribute to the spirit of the environment. And if you’re a group facilitator, the same principles can be applied to cultivating a space that allows participants to show up as themselves.

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Freedom in the Workplace

Laura Morgan Roberts, Ph.D. outlines The Four Freedoms We Want at Work as the freedoms to be, become, fade, and fail. She explains that when employees have access to these freedoms, they are more “authentic, actualized, agentic, and agile.” This directly impacts their relationship with their role, responsibilities, company, colleagues, and health + well-being.

In reality, most companies struggle to embrace these freedoms and often have an imbalance across different levels or segments of the employee population.

Let’s do a deep dive into these four areas to explore how cultures of freedom can be nurtured in the workplace (or any team environment).

Freedom to Be

Plenty of workplaces claim to embrace diversity, equity, inclusion, and belonging (DEIB), yet still have (often subconscious) expectations that folks will show up in certain ways, and not in others. This can include unrealistic notions that people will check their personal lives at the door. For example, hiding not only key aspects of their identity but challenges they are contending with such as caring for an aging parent or struggling to get pregnant. This concealment is not only a significant amount of effort, it also inherently creates disconnection.

Many years ago, I interviewed at a major tech company. One of my interviewers expressed from the get-go that the only reason he had agreed to take the interview (I get it, it’s a pretty big voluntary commitment) was because I was unlike all the other applicants. My NOT being a Wall Street banker who had pivoted to the tech industry was a breath of fresh air.

I appreciated his honesty and looked forward to our conversation. The only problem was that the highly standardized interview structure was geared specifically toward the aforementioned demographic (the financial metric-obsessed).

While I understand the importance of creating business value, I prefer to balance that with other goals such as solving real problems for real users. Alas, I wasn’t the right fit to speculate on hyper-growth potential, and didn’t get the job. The interview panel seemed genuinely bummed it didn’t work out. But their process wasn’t designed to open the aperture, just to fill a pre-defined mold.

Are folks in your workplace conforming to expectations or able to express different aspects of their background, identity, and way of thinking? It’s well-established that diversity drives better outcomes. Yet if people have to mask up, they’re unlikely to bring that variation into the fold.

Freedom to Become

As an Enneagram Type 8, I have insanely high standards and expectations (for myself, and also for others). In the past, I too obviously conveyed my disappointment in others’ work, often focusing more attention on what needed improvement vs what had been done well. Let’s face it - there’s nothing more crushing than delivering something, and having your boss wish for something more.

I’ve learned to shift how I deliver feedback to ensure that folks are recognized for their strengths, while also given opportunities to improve in constructive ways. This has truly entailed better SEEING people. (And these days as a coach and mentor, I’m likely my clients’ biggest champion!)

But some organizations tend to focus on problems and weaknesses, vs build upon assets and possibilities, and that mindset can diminish individual growth and development. In your world, do employees receive feedback that enables them to “become” the best version of themselves, or are they already expected to be there?

Unfortunately, coaching and leadership development are often only available to senior executives, but it’s critical to provide support for folks who are earlier in their careers. At a recent HR conference, various people leaders stressed the importance of career development opportunities across the employee population, through mentorship, sponsorship, and group coaching.

In addition to supporting individual growth, these programs increase employee engagement, build company loyalty, and often create a pay-it-forward mentality.

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Freedom to Fade

Burnout is at an all-time high. SHRM’s Employee Mental Health in 2024 Research Series found that 44% of 1,405 surveyed US employees feel burned out at work, 45% feel emotionally drained from their work, and 51% feel used up at the end of the workday.

For working parents, it’s even worse. Ohio State University’s Examining the Epidemic of Working Parental Burnout 2022 Report found that 66% of 1,285 surveyed working parents felt burnt out, exhibiting extreme frustration, constant exhaustion, and difficulty handling tasks.

What’s the impact on organizations? Lower performance and productivity, turnover, and a negative work environment.

The freedom to fade may seem counterproductive for companies, especially in the context of publicized trends such as “quiet quitting.” However, fading isn’t necessarily a permanent condition – when implemented successfully, it creates a balance in the lifecycle of an employee.

For example, the way parental leave is handled has a massive impact on the expecting parent, their manager, and their teammates. This period of “fade” can happen smoothly with a clear work transition plan – both for offboarding and re-onboarding, flexible return-to-work options, and meaningful communication about continued professional development. As a result, the likelihood is much higher that the new parent and their colleagues stick around, and that work continues without major disruptions.

In considering how to effectively enable and manage the freedom to fade: How can workload be redistributed or shared to accommodate for personal and professional ebbs and flows? How can we be smarter about prioritization? How might we model both stepping up and stepping back?

Freedom to Fail

The concept of “fail fast” linked to the lean startup methodology is adopted by many a startup to quickly validate product-market fit with a minimum viable product (MVP). The build-measure-learn process is intended to ensure that businesses are creating value for their customers through rapid development > testing > iteration cycles. These rapid feedback loops prevent wasted time, money, and energy. They embrace the concept of failure, because finding out if something isn’t going to work is always better earlier than later.

However, this embrace of failure seems to occur primarily within a bubble of privilege, namely a certain elite consisting of Silicon Valley founders and venture capitalists. And the failures aren’t always so lean – many times they’re pretty spectacular bombs. Take the ego-fueled implosion of WeWork ($47B to bankruptcy) followed by the baffling largest single investment ever from VC Andreessen Horowitz, into founder Adam Neumann’s latest real estate venture.

As a long-time innovation and product development consultant, I’ve found rapid learning (and associated “failures”) incredibly valuable. Companies that aren’t afraid to take risks are usually the ones that stay relevant. They’re also where people are often keen to work, because of the learning opportunities and dynamic environments. But not enough organizations embrace this mindset in smart and equitable ways. For example, marginalized individuals may be unfairly criticized for their failures and therefore withdraw into a safer, low-visibility track.

In testing out new concepts, ownership, transparency, and course correction as a group balances the risk and reward, empowering those at all levels of an organization to try new things. I remember a particularly poignant talk by organizational designer and author Jurriaan Kamer on the collective accountability within the fast-paced, high-pressure environments of Formula 1 teams. From his article on the topic:

Formula 1 teams understand that it’s rarely one person’s mistake. And that it’s best to learn from all the factors that happened during an incident, to prevent it from happening again. They realize if people are not allowed to make mistakes, people will not push themselves and their abilities to the limit.

Over the last week, I’ve been reaching out to those I care about, because sending love feels like the most productive, sensible, and positive use of energy right now. And that includes you - my readers and community. 💗

Beyond love, there are other enormous emotions that you are likely experiencing. It’s OK to saddle up with those for a bit. Here are some ways to support what you may be feeling:

If you are angry and need to physically process your outrage:

🙀 Scream into a pillow (sage advice from master coach James Flaherty) 

😡 Visit a rage room (here’s some inspiration from Sex Education) 

😓 Sweat it out and allow it to move through you – walk, run, dance, shake your limbs!

If you are overwhelmed and need to quiet the noise (internal or external):

⛔ Turn off those pesky, persistent media notifications

🌲 Find solace in nature 

😌 Practice calming your mind with a guided meditation or retreat (Tara Brach is leading one themed Radical Love in These Times on Dec 7)

If you feel isolated or hopeless and need connection: 

🤗 Hug a loved one (my daughter is getting plenty extra these days!)

⛑️ Volunteer with a local organization making a needed difference in people’s lives

💑🏾 Find an environment of togetherness (Natalie Lumpkin beautifully describes her Gather Black Women community as a space safe enough for the beauty of your soul to be seen ❤️)

If you feel motivated to fight, join a cause to protect and advance human rights:

🤎 To dismantle white supremacy and strengthen intersectional movements: The Southern Poverty Law Center

🏳️‍🌈 To advocate for LGBTQ+ justice, equity, and inclusion: PFLAG, and 🏳️‍⚧️ to safeguard and improve the lives of trans folks across the country: Advocates for Trans Equality

🧳 To protect and advocate for refugees, asylum seekers, and displaced people: Refugee Council USA

✊ To secure and advance reproductive rights: Center for Reproductive Rights

👩‍👧 To push for affordable child care, paid family leave, and equal pay for moms: Moms First 

Reach out and let me know what you are feeling and how you are managing.

And don’t forget to breathe.

With love,

Nicole

I’m struggling to shift back to “normal” when life feels anything but. Yet writing about Helene feels helpful in processing the experience and the rollercoaster of associated emotions.

Uncertainty

The night Hurricane Helene made landfall (Sept 26), I put my daughter to bed and went to sleep soon after with no fathomable idea of what was ahead. We were at my parents’ house (my childhood home) in Asheville, NC, at an elevation of 2,300 ft.

We had already received a ton of rain in a separate storm and were on a flood and tornado watch. I had asked another coach to be on standby for a group session I had led earlier that day in case we lost power/internet. My daughter’s field trip the following day with her new preschool had been canceled. We had collected some water, pulled out the flashlights, and bought a bit of extra food.

As the hurricane struck the Florida coast with Category 4 strength, my concern was for folks in that area. We knew certain areas of Asheville near the rivers would likely flood, and that a power outage was probable. But I had no sense of the destruction and loss that the region would soon experience.

Confusion

I awoke around 3 am to the loud beeping of a backup power supply for the modem and router, and rushed to turn it off to save the energy for later and avoid waking up my daughter. Outside, the rain was torrential and the wind was howling, but we had brought in patio furniture and other items that could potentially smash through the windows. It seemed OK to go back to sleep.

Throughout the rest of the night, loud crashes ensued. But it was hard to tell what was happening. It wasn’t until the light broke, Helene still in full force, that we had visibility into the storm.

Nostalgia

My siblings and I had grown up surrounded by massive trees – oak, maple, sycamore, black walnut, pine. They towered towards the sky, creating a canopy that cooled the entire yard (and house) in summer. The giant trees provided homes and food for wildlife in the area and the structure for a natural playground when we were kids, including many swings and a mini zip-line.

Terror

In the dawn light, we watched almost every one of those trees fall down one after the other, right in front of our eyes. The wind was consistently present and rattling, but the major gusts were terrifying. The counterclockwise direction of the winds let you know the general direction the trees would fall. But the house was of course surrounded. We wore helmets and kept moving from room to room to avoid getting potentially smashed, holding my daughter tight.

The trees were all strong, healthy, and upright before the storm. If we saw one leaning in an unnatural direction, we knew it would soon go down. Saturated root systems with nothing solid left to hold on to were yanked out of the ground or ripped apart, toppling the trees. Others were reduced to the bottom half of their trunks, with tops completely ripped off (we later learned there were also tornadoes in the mix).

It was a wait-and-scramble game, all the while trying to keep my daughter calm by reading her books and telling her stories. We could send sporadic text messages then, so my parents tried to reach the neighbors, especially ones who appeared to have trees through their roofs. I let a couple of my NYC friends know that we were OK.

Shock

When the storm appeared to calm, we began taking stock through the windows. Without internet, we didn’t know whether we were in the eye of the storm, or if it was moving out. Unbelievably, there were no direct hits to the house. It appeared as though trees in our yard had smashed a car, and nearby storage buildings belonging to neighbors.

But the neighborhood was unrecognizable. It looked like a downed forest, with cracked telephone poles, transformers, and wires all mixed in, stretching across properties and roads, blending everything together into one huge mess.

When the animals started reappearing, it seemed like a sign that the worst was over. Bluebirds, blue jays, chipmunks, crows, even one of the neighborhood bears. They seemed confused and displaced, but also excited about the wealth of acorns and worms now covering the ground.

Focus

Later that morning, a father-son duo appeared out of nowhere in the (now) soft rain, wearing hard hats and bearing chainsaws. Neighbors from a nearby street, they were systematically clearing trees from the roads. Folks started popping out of their houses, and everyone who could, joined the efforts. One of the massive trees that was blocking the driveway to several houses up the hill proved impenetrable to the chainsaws (it was finally cleared 7 days later).

In a moment of levity, I was warned to move out of the way of a 75 year-old neighbor with cochlear implants.

It took a little while for my daughter (who’s two and a half) to understand our situation. No, we couldn’t just open the fridge at whim for a snack; no, we can’t turn on the lights; no, we can’t warm up those leftovers. But she learned to adapt, accepting a sponge-down to clean off (we thought we still had water at that point but it turned out to just be whatever was left in the pipes) and making puzzles by candlelight.

By the second day, the immediate streets were cleared enough to leave by car, assuming all the power lines crisscrossing the roads were dead. My dad and several stuck neighbors ventured out in search of water, food, gas, internet, charging stations — anything helpful really. Priorities included contacting loved ones, learning about the regional impact, filing insurance claims, and getting on the lists of roofers and tree services.

They were gone for six hours and came back with very little except horror stories of historical flooding and casualties in river areas where homes and businesses had been completely washed away. Landslides had taken out swaths of major highways, and access to the area was severely restricted.

Thoughtful Community

But their creative problem-solving and bonding that day was a glimpse into the humanity that would soon be shining through everywhere you looked. Neighbors split up freezer remnants and pantry supplies to create makeshift meals over gas grills. A farmer set up a temporary farm stand in a parking lot. A food truck opened.

People rigged buckets from bridges to haul up water for flushing the toilet. Physicians set up wellness clinics in their front yards. Word spread if someone had satellite internet so folks could jump on their network to communicate. You could turn to a complete stranger for comfort, support, and resources.

And that was just the beginning. Search and rescue crews began helicopter missions. Shelters opened for displaced persons. Hordes of volunteers descended on the region. State and federal support came through en masse. Water distribution sites and mobile bathrooms/showers popped up.

Sadness & Grief

Ten days in, there’s still no electricity, reliable cell service, or water at the house. Power has been restored to many, and armies of workers are doing repairs around the clock. There’s no timeline for water system restoration — it could be months. Schools remain closed indefinitely.

The death toll has reached 227 storm-wide, and many still remain missing. The damage is jaw-droppingly astounding. Unfortunately, reports indicate that less than 3% of properties in NC have flood insurance. But can you blame folks? The storm was a 1-in-1000-year event.

Asheville’s economy is primarily driven by tourism, yet who knows when it will be a desirable destination again. Many folks working there — independent artists, musicians, small business owners, hospitality workers — have no workplace to show up to.

My daughter, mom, and I are lucky to be staying at my brother’s place in Raleigh. Coming here seemed to be the most sane thing to do, and my daughter is enjoying spending extra time with her cousin.

But there’s a gnawing feeling of guilt being away when there’s so much to be done. I’m glad my dad is on the ground collaborating with neighbors, friends, and crews to get shit done.

I’m still waiting on my diabetes supplies to be delivered, but have been making do with old, expired insulin that’s partially effective.

At this point, we’re in a day-by-day situation.

Just to provide some context on the power of Helene (most of this I didn’t learn until much later):

• Helene intensified rapidly, due to record-warm waters in the Gulf of Mexico, a phenomenon expected to increase with climate change*

• The storm was ENORMOUS, with a wind field extending almost 300 miles from its center*

• 20-30 inches of rain fell in some areas, which is ~40 TRILLION gallons!!

• The Nolichuckey River Dam in TN took on 1.2 MILLION gallons of water per SECOND during the peak of the flooding, compared to Niagara Falls’ peak of 700K gallons/second

• The French Broad River usually crests at 1.5 feet, but it reached 24.6 feet during the storm

• Over 200 people have died storm-wide, with many still missing

• Asheville’s water system infrastructure was decimated, leaving several treatment facilities in need of complete rebuilds (no timeline yet)

• All of Asheville’s cell towers were downed (temporary towers setup, service remains sparce)

• Millions of people lost power across states (the last 10% is going to take some serious time to restore)

• 400 roads across a quarter of NC were closed, interstates and backroads alike (major closures remain)

• Property and economic losses from Helene estimates are up to $250 billion**

Here are a couple absolutely bonkers videos by Mark Huneycutt of nearby Swannanoa and Chimney Rock

*From Politico: Why North Carolina wasn’t prepared for Helene
**According to the National Center for Disaster Preparedness at Columbia University, for PBS

How to Help

• Donate to on-the-ground volunteer organizations such as Beloved Asheville and MANNA FoodBank

• Support Western North Carolina brands by shopping here

• Contribute to a verified GoFundMe page of those significantly impacted

• Take climate change seriously, and get ready for Milton, wherever you are located

AND/BOTH Podcast Episode

On a completely different note, the latest AND/BOTH podcast episode just dropped, featuring a conversation I had with host Dr. Ashley Blackington over the summer. We covered a wealth of topics including resilience, transition, and of course parental leave support (or lack thereof). Give it a listen and let me know what you think! Check it out on Spotify, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.

Exciting Announcement!

This September, fellow coach and working mom Lee Boole and I are launching Parental Leave Prep: Group Coaching for Expecting Parents, a virtual cohort-based program designed to equip, empower, and build a supportive community among professionals preparing to take parental leave. 

Parental leave deserves a massive amount of care, but more often than not, expecting parents and their employers are not adequately set up to handle it well. Meanwhile, the stakes are high, both for the individual undergoing a huge professional/life transition and their team suddenly down a key player. Parental Leave Prep (PLP) provides the structure, support, and resources to confidently and smoothly navigate the transition.

Program Details

A coach-led cohort that prepares expecting professionals for their upcoming parental leave, providing them with tools, resources, and community to confidently and smoothly navigate the transition. 

Through a mix of education and resources (40%) and facilitated discussion (60%), participants will be:

• Prepared with tools and resources to ease the transition into parental leave

• Equipped to transition work effectively/hand off responsibilities

• Empowered to manage their careers before, during, and after leave

• Supported during this huge life transition

Who It’s For

This program is for all kinds of expecting, working parents. This particular cohort will support folks due in Q1, 2025 to ensure participants are at a similar planning stage.

Why Group Coaching?

Individual coaching is wonderful, but group coaching allows participants to make progress on their own terms while also benefiting from others’ experiences, insights, and support. An added bonus: it tends to be more cost-effective than traditional one-on-one coaching.

Logistics

• Our inaugural cohort kicks off September 25 and runs 11 weeks through December 4, meeting every other Wednesday at 1pm ET

• The program includes 6 hour-long group sessions, 1 one-on-one coaching session with Lee or Nicole, and a suite of tools and resources to aid in the process

• To celebrate the launch we’re significantly discounting the cost from $1,299 to $499 (Code: COHORT1 at checkout)

• Cohort size is limited to no more than 15 participants, so while there isn’t a hard deadline to enroll prior to kickoff, the sooner the better to ensure a spot

Who We Are

Nicole Lenzen and Lee Boole are executive coaches and working moms with backgrounds in innovation/product development and HR/learning, respectively. They’ve taken three parental leaves between them and share a passion for supporting working parents. They have honed in on this particular transition, understanding how pivotal it is for both the individual and the employer.

How to Learn More and Enroll

• Check out our program page for more info, and a link to enroll

• We’re holding a free webinar, 5 Ways to Ensure a Smooth Return from Parental Leave, on September 13 where we’ll also talk about the program and answer questions. 

• Reach out to program founders Nicole (nicole@nicolelenzen.com) or Lee (lee@silvermine-coaching.com) directly anytime with questions or feedback.

Freedom is a complex topic with many layers. In this and the following post, I’m not going to delve into political independence or human rights, but rather investigate freedom through the lens of the individual in our day-to-day lives (Part 1) and the culture of our workplaces (Part 2).

I was recently struck when a new client shared in our intake session that she felt she had no agency in any area of her life. 

Ouch. What does that feel like? To lack autonomy and choice at work, home, or anywhere else?

Stuck? Trapped? Miserable even?

What can we do to establish more personal power? And what can managers and employers do to create a sense of freedom in the workplace? Let’s tackle the first of these questions today.

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Individual Freedom

The lack of freedom is real for many people, but for others, it might be a (changeable) perception that has become a reality. Below are some ways to start moving into a mode of self-empowerment. If you need some support, feel free to reach out!

Get Clear on Needs 🔍

We often feel stuck and powerless when we haven’t taken the time to dig into our feelings, and the needs underlying them. If we don’t know what we want, how will we ever get there? 

Marshall Rosenberg’s Nonviolent Communication (NVC) framework is a powerful tool for developing skills in these areas, which to be honest, we’re not that adept at as a society. He suggests identifying feelings and then connecting them with needs to get to the why behind the emotion, and to fully own our experience and its impact on us.

Example

You set aside a weekend day for yourself, yet your partner always cannibalizes that time and schedules family/friend get-togethers that you feel obligated to attend. You go along with the new schedule every time, while stewing inside. What’s underneath this? Sure, you may want to blame your partner and act nastily towards them, but what’s really going on for you? 

Spell it out: You’re feeling frustrated, irritated, maybe even resentful. Because you’re an introvert at heart, are experiencing burnout, and need some regular solo time for rest and recuperation. Which means you’re also likely feeling exhaustion, overwhelm, and probably some longing. And you need your protected time to be respected.

How awesome to have that clarity! Most of us lack a rich vocabulary for identifying and expressing our feelings and needs. 📒 Resource: Check out the NVC list in browser or PDF version. Bookmark it, print it, use it!

Make Explicit Requests ❓

It’s true - you won’t know if you don’t ask. And most people aren’t mind-readers. In the teachings of New Ventures West (where I did my integral coaching training) inspired by John R. Searle’s book Speech Acts: An Essay in the Philosophy of Language, requests are considered to be one of six speech acts, and are described as “a speaker asking a listener to take action to fulfill conditions that they specify” and are made “in the present, and invite a future action.” 

Back to the Nonviolent Communication playbook, it is advised that requests not only be very specific, but are also phrased in terms of what you want instead of what you don’t want. It seems obvious, but if you’re stuck in the “not this,” that’s what is going to stay in the person’s mind, as opposed to the “what if,” and it’s unlikely they’ll know what to do. 

Additionally, requests shouldn’t come across as demands, to prevent the recipient from assuming blame or punishment in the case of non-compliance. They should have a choice in their response.

Example

One of my clients tended to beat around the bush with a lot of unnecessary buildup when asking others for things, which wasn’t very successful. Her audience was likely confused, distracted, or lost, and perceived her as being nervous and unsure. 

By getting crisp on her objective and honing her communication skills, she started making simple, clear, and direct requests. And voilà - she gained confidence in asking for things, and her listeners responded accordingly.

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Establish Boundaries 🛑

One of the most important daily practices I instilled during my work years ago with Cortney McDermott was to establish a morning routine void of technology. She described the mess of emails, texts, messages, and social media as other people’s problems. Yet as soon as you shift your attention to them, they become your problems.

Starting the day with anxiety and responding to things that did not need to be addressed before the beginning of the workday meant I was completely beholden. Never mind robbing myself of a stress-free, restorative, focused hour+ of my own time!

Where might having a bit of discipline through creating boundaries (for yourself and others) improve your sense of agency? This one is especially important for expecting parents returning to work. It’s critical to establish expectations before you get sucked into a trap.

Example

Before you went out on parental leave, you were OK exchanging work messages after hours. Now with a newborn at home, that’s just not realistic (or for many, desired, or healthy). But you never broached the topic of your new availability with your team, and they continue to ping you at all hours. Your stress mounts.

What’s the solve? While the conversation would have been useful earlier on, it’s better late than never. Schedule a meeting with your team to outline ways of working that include communication rules of engagement and everyone’s protected time. Then adhere to it. Modeling productivity without being always on can go a long way.

Let Go (Sometimes That Means Releasing our Own Shackles) 🪂

We 100% face societal pressure to be the best worker, the best partner, the best parent, the best xyx... But how much do you let these external factors influence your internal state?

Taking it further - might you even be trapped in your own assumptions about what others expect of you? What if you stopped trying to be everything for everyone? What if you had more space to honor yourself? 

Example

When I was deep in the consulting throes of leading huge projects in (often) toxic cultures, I felt like it was my responsibility to not only keep everything on track, deliver to the client, and ensure the team felt supported, but also to be the first to respond to everyone’s questions, plan the outings, and frankly, do a lot of babysitting. 

Was it stressful? ✅ 
Did I feel underappreciated? ✅
Did I box myself in? ✅
Could I have operated in a different way, say with more delegation, less tolerance for BS, less perfectionism, and more freedom? ✅

If becoming a single working mom has taught me anything, it’s that stuff HAS to give. I’ll gladly let someone else respond to a Slack message now, assign another person the first draft, or even ignore an innocuous spelling or grammatical error (that’s big for me)! 

What are you holding onto too tightly? It may take time to release, but figure out what’s worth letting go of vs. keeping close to the chest.

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Feel Freedom in Your Body 🕺

Has there ever been a time when you’ve felt truly free? When you enjoyed the sense of secure independence? When you weren’t held back in any way? When your mind, heart, and body were open and expressive?

For me, many of those moments have included dancing, snowboarding, laughing, floating, running – with control, but without care. (In this case meaning without care for “rules,” expectations, perceptions, shoulds – prescribed by self or others.) Not surprisingly, movement typically accompanies my sense of freedom, because it’s a whole-body experience for me.

How does freedom feel for you?

Close your eyes and revisit – or imagine – a moment of freedom, and sit with it for some time. Where are you noticing that sensation? What loosens up for you? What possibilities open up in this space? 

Whenever you find yourself in a moment of restriction, bring yourself back to that sensation of freedom. Familiarize yourself with it, hold it, nurture it. Explore what needs to happen to welcome more of that in your life.

More Food for Thought 🥑

• What does freedom mean to you?

• How much agency do you have in your life and work?

• What have you found helpful in creating a sense of autonomy?

• Who do you hang out with that enables you to fully be yourself, with no judgment?

• What invisible traps have you created for yourself? How might you dismantle some of them?

• What conversations can you have to establish boundaries or release unnecessary responsibility?

🎶 And now I leave you with George Michael’s Freedom! ‘90 video – one of my favorites from the era. I learned at the Thierry Mugler (iconic fashion designer and a creative collaborator of George Michael) Couturissime exhibit at the Brooklyn Museum that George Michael didn’t appear in this video as a sort of FU to MTV. Instead, he featured famous supermodels. At the time he was encouraged to be front and center, but was miserable in the limelight, and also closeting a key part of his identity. The lyrics and video address the nuances of this struggle.

But today the way I play the game has got to change, oh yeah

Now I'm gonna get myself happy

Group Coaching for Parental Leave

One more thing… I’m collaborating with fellow coach Lee Boole to develop a (virtual) group program to prepare working parents for parental leave. We have so much rich content, tools, and resources to share, and are thrilled about implementing coaching in a small community environment.

If you or someone you know (friend, colleague, direct report) is expecting a child and might be interested in learning more when we launch, let us know here! It’s going to be awesome.

Hi there. I’m here with the final post in my 4-part series inspired by takeaways from the Moms First Summit – not that I won’t continue to reflect on and weave in insights from the event for some time to come. 🤔

Today we explore what working parents are up against in the US, with some historical reference to the systemic governmental practices of dictating women’s choices while simultaneously releasing responsibility, and the dismal – yet hopeful? – comparison with Sweden’s family- and gender equality-oriented policies.

Has Feminism Missed Motherhood?

Reshma Saujani places motherhood and family rights at the center of the fight for gender equality in her work with Moms First. She posed the question of whether feminism has left out motherhood in her spicy interview with Hillary Clinton at the summit, asking if the 1970s were the moment to pass paid leave. (The 1970s were of course during feminism’s “second wave,” when Betty Friedan’s The Feminine Mystique was published, and the women’s movement had several wins including the “Equal Pay” Act, Title IX, birth control rights, and Roe v Wade). In response to the question, Hillary revealed (in news to me), that the US Congress had in fact passed a universal childcare bill in 1973, but it was vetoed by then-president Nixon. 🚫

In reading Anne Helen Petersen’s interview with Jessica Calarco (author of Holding it Together: How Women Became America’s Safety Net), I learned that the US previously had a robust affordable national childcare system during World War II to maintain the US economy by bringing women into the workforce. This program was wildly successful, yet was de-funded and abandoned as soon as men returned home from the war. Additionally, pre-war policies banning mothers from working or allowing them to only work undesirable, low-wage jobs, were reinstituted. Talk about going backwards! 🔙

What’s really underneath this repeated regression?

Hillary suggests in the case of Nixon that the right wing had decided it was an issue they wanted, not a problem to solve. Classic politics. I dug into this history a bit and found out that “fake news” about this legislation spread via flyers amongst fundamentalist women’s groups and the resulting letters of protest to Congress created pressure causing Congress members to cave. The rumors had irrational claims that parents would be forced to put their kids in federal daycares, and furthermore, would no longer have the right to make their children go to church or do chores. 🤷 Either way, the messaging was that traditional family models with the mother at home were the best place for women to be, and allowing females to be a part of the workforce had “family weakening implications.” 

But ultimately, supporting women –⁠ and moms –⁠ benefits everyone.

It’s not a personal issue, a mom’s issue, or even a women’s issue – it’s a critical socio-economic one, on which the US is WAY behind. What is possible when the mindset shifts to one that believes it is in our “collective best interest for children to be raised well?” Caitlyn Collins, author of Making Motherhood Work: How Women Manage Careers and Caregiving, shares with Ezra Klein how this plays out in Sweden.

Support for Working Parents

Sweden v the US (not hard to guess who’s on top with this one)

Parental Leave

🇸🇪 480 days paid parental leave (3 mos reserved for each parent to encourage fathers to utilize, the rest shared between); Paid at 80% of wages, with employers typically paying the remaining 10-20% 

🇺🇲 No federal parental leave policy; Policies vary by state and company; Only ~27% of civilian workers have access to paid leave; 25% of mothers return to work after only 2 weeks of leave; Non-birthing parents with leave access are routinely stigmatized for taking it and typically don’t use the full amount

Part-Time Work

🇸🇪 Legal right to reduce working hours from 40 to 30 for the first 8 years of your child’s life

🇺🇲 No rights to work part-time and practically unheard of in corporate America

Childcare

🇸🇪 High-quality early childhood education including meals, subsidized and sliding scale with the max cost at $175 USD/month

🇺🇲 No universal childcare; Childcare for two children is more expensive than rent in every single US state; 50% of Americans reside in areas without access to childcare

Paid Vacation

🇸🇪 Everyone is entitled to 25 days paid vacation, of which 4 consecutive weeks can be taken in the summer during the height of sunshine and sunlight. HELLO, mental health and well-being!

🇺🇲 No right to paid time off for vacation or sick days. Once again, up to employers and their company culture. And taking multiple weeks off in a row? Ha!

Community Infrastructure

🇸🇪 Bonding not only with your child, but with other parents, is a major component of parental leave, with well-established community centers and public activities available. Parents and kids build valuable and supportive long-term relationships with other families. (This is also a key point Erin Hug mentioned in her essay comparing her leave experience in Canada vs the US.)

🇺🇲 Parents (especially mothers) have never felt so isolated, and postpartum depression is prevalent. Guilt and shame overwhelm most working parents. There is no time or energy to connect with other parents. Aside from public library programs (which are awesome!), communities and classes can cost an arm and a leg, and it’s usually nannies attending, not the parents (since they’re back at work despite the newborn status of their kiddo).

Fertility Rates (# births/woman)

Virtually the same in the US and Sweden, but Sweden doesn’t seem to be freaking out about it – their policies are intended to support gender equality and family rights, not force people to have kids.

🇸🇪 1.67

🇺🇲 1.66

🌍 2.27

Impact

🇸🇪 Gender- and family-friendly policies have NOT hurt GDP, innovation, and economic productivity. Ezra Klein points out that if anything, their policies could be seen as pro-work since they enable parents (read: moms) to participate in the workplace. Individuals have the support to make family decisions that are right for them. Dads play an active role at home – it’s normal for a father to leave work in the middle of the afternoon to pick up their kid from school. And Sweden is consistently ranked in the top 7 of the world’s happiest countries. 

🇺🇲 The high rates of stress and burnout in the US along with impossible societal expectations to dedicate yourself 100% to your job and 100% to your children (for mothers) are NOT sustainable. Even non-parents are at or beyond breaking point. The Council for a Strong America estimates that the childcare crisis costs the US economy $122 billion due to lost earnings, productivity, and tax revenue!

Now what?

A Call to Action

(Thoughts on candidates aside), petition CNN to address the childcare disaster in the upcoming presidential debate.

Employers and managers: when’s the last time you asked the parents on your team how they were really doing? What flexible options could you consider that would make a significant difference in the lives of your parents (and their ability to contribute at work)?

Thoughts

While for those of us in the US, the lack of any social support coupled with anti-family and anti-mom policies feel depressing and hopeless, at least we know there are models that other countries have adopted that can work. I’d love to hear from:

• Parents in the US

  • What support have you been able to obtain as a working parent?

  • What sacrifices have you had to make (career/family) because you didn’t have a choice?

  • What change (policy or otherwise) would make/have made the most meaningful impact on you and your family?

• Folks in countries with family-friendly policies

  • If a parent, what has that opened up for you?

  • If a non-parent, how do you view the overall impact on society?

If you’re navigating the working parenthood journey at any stage, schedule a complimentary coaching session –⁠ this shouldn’t feel so isolating!

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Strategies for Overcoming Self-Doubt (in the form of Perceived Criticism)

The high-achieving astronaut Christina Koch, who set a record for the longest single spaceflight by a woman with a total of 328 days in space, shared her fear when facing the committee that assessed her readiness for a space mission.

For context, of the 250+ astronauts who have done spacewalks – any time an astronaut gets out of a vehicle while in space – only 16 have been women, and 6 of those have been moms. 👩‍🚀

Evidently, spacewalk training is one of the most difficult things you can do as an astronaut – imagine spending 6 straight hours underwater in a full spacesuit, to simulate performing tasks in the microgravity environment outside the International Space Station – while being monitored and evaluated the entire time.

Despite attempts at positive self-talk, Christina found herself continuing to make mistakes and failing to pass this test. Then she realized that she was actually fulfilling a stereotype that she perceived in the room (known as stereotype threat). She was telling herself that the committee was saying, “She’s never going to do this, why are we wasting our time on this 5’4” woman?” In her epiphany, she realized:

She then changed her story of what the committee members were saying about her (almost with humor, it seemed) to sound more like, “She’s awesome. I don’t know what she just did there, but it seems like she really knows what she’s doing. I’m sure she has a good reason for that snarl on her face.” 😬

This new outlook was the key to shifting Christina’s approach to her work and laid a successful pathway to space. She stressed, however, that she would have never had that realization without repeatedly putting herself in situations that scared her, in order to flex those adaptive muscles:

Another insight from Christina pertained to the compound effect of isolation on our circling thoughts. She talked about how she had been hesitant to discuss complex technical issues she was facing (say, with flying a supersonic jet!) with her non-engineering friends, creating both a perpetual cycle of doubt, and a sense of disconnect. Once she opened that door, she was floored by how valuable their perspectives were, and how much closer she felt to them.

This thread tied nicely to another panel with clinical psychologist Dr. Becky Kennedy. She states:

Dr. Becky described shame as a state of aloneness (e.g. people wouldn’t want to love me if they knew this about me), when discussing the unspoken shame of parenting. We all know that parents are up against a plethora of societal pressures when facing what many describe as the most important and challenging job in the world – without any training or being set up for success!

What if, as a parent, you were comfortable sharing with someone that you don’t feel the maternal instinct you’re told you should, or that you miss aspects of your life pre-kid(s)? Or for non-parents, any number of thoughts you may have that you fear you’ll be judged by?

Dr. Becky describes the antidote to the solitude of shame as connectedness, and urges us to find trusted people in which we can confide, normalize those thoughts, and thus change our stories.

Food for Thought 🍲

Some prompts to consider to help shift your narrative:

• When have I made assumptions about how someone else perceives me?

• How has that limited what I see as possible (for myself, for our relationship, for…)?

• What else could I believe that feels more supportive?

• How might I seek out honest feedback to get to the truth?

• Who in my circle can I open up to and trust not to be judgmental?

Hi there!

I’m back with some more takeaways from the Moms First Summit. It’s no secret that there’s a lack of representation in high-level positions and that working moms aren’t exactly set up for success to manage high-pressure jobs while caring for their families.

The women in leadership panel had a few tips worth sharing for mamas also looking to maintain their career track:

Lynn Martin, President of the New York Stock Exchange, recommends:

Be honest about the challenges you have as a working mom - there’s no need to pretend to be the person who has it all figured out.

As mentioned in my last post, sometimes being the squeaky wheel is the only way for others to come close to understanding what you’re going through. Doing so in a constructive way can enable support and productive problem-solving.

Tiffany Dufu, President of the Tory Burch Foundation, suggests:

Write your own job description. Don’t accept society’s. Define what success looks like for you, and engage others to make it happen.

She has a point. How often do you refer back to your original JD? Was it even written by your hiring manager or someone who understands your role? Taking a stand on your own growth and development trajectory, and how that positively impacts your organization, shows initiative, and allows you to align your work with your own special sauce.

Olivia Walton, Founder & CEO of Ingeborg Investments, advises:

Control your own finances. And invest in other women.

Women earn $0.83 for every dollar a man makes, according to PayScale’s 2023 State of the Gender Pay Gap, and women founders (particularly women of color) raise a fraction of available venture capital dollars. Investment strategies can provide ways of leveling the playing field. Tip: check out Ellevest for women-first investing and financial planning advice and tools.

Kathryn Kaminsky, Incoming Chief Commercial Officer of PWC US, speaks from personal experience when offering:

Advocate for what you need in returning to work, especially if the alternative is not going back to your job.

While your company policy may not be in your control, there’s often more wiggle room, not to mention legally required accommodations, than employees think. If a slow on-ramp, flexible schedule, remote work, or something else is the structure you need, they may be within reach. Find allies in your organization to help you make that happen, and think beyond your manager if they’re the one putting up the resistance. (More on this topic coming soon!)

Olivia and Lynn also stressed the importance of mentorship - both receiving and giving:

Find a mentor or coach - they can be key to making it possible to return to your career.

Find your younger self in your organization. Encourage those women. They’re the future.

So many of us go it alone, but we often stop short of our goals when we lack support, because the odds are stacked against us. Guidance and backing from those who have been in our shoes enable us to see around and beyond the walls blocking our progress.

If you’re navigating the working parenthood journey at any stage–expecting, on leave, or returning to work–schedule a complimentary coaching session to gain support in navigating–and thriving in–your dual identities as a worker AND a parent.

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Last week, I attended the first-ever summit hosted by Moms First. Led by gender equality activist and Girls Who Code founder Reshma Saujani, Moms First is an organization fighting for the structural changes moms need and deserve: affordable child care, paid family leave, and equal pay for moms.

The summit had an impressive line-up and covered the gamut of topics related to advancing rights for mothers. In this post, I share some takeaways from the panel discussion on debunking mom myths and advice on carving your own journey (as a parent, or otherwise).

Debunking Mom Myths

PS: There is No (Societally) Right Way to Parent

How many mothers struggle with the systemic, persuasive belief that there is a correct way to parent? And that if you do it wrong, you’re a failure and so is your child? How many conflicting views are you constantly faced with? How much “expert” advice do you get that just feels wrong?

ParentData founder/CEO and mother Emily Oster is committed to changing this narrative and letting parents know that yes, there is a right way to do it...FOR YOU, not for everyone else.

In a common real-life example, perhaps your doctor and everyone else are telling you that you have to breastfeed, because it’s better for the baby. But in reality, breastfeeding is not an option for you, for any number of reasons, such as your milk never coming in. 

Or maybe your manager has archaic views about remote work and pumping at the office has diminished your supply (more about this in a future post). Employer policies and flexibility (or lack thereof) have a significant impact on your options.

The qualitative sociologist, Gretchen Sisson, PhD argues that:

So how might you enable healthy, supportive decision-making for you and your child? 🤔

Surround yourself with folks who are willing to listen to what’s important to YOU, consider your personal preferences and constraints, and offer unbiased, non-judgmental input.

That includes your healthcare providers - their advice shouldn’t be verbatim medical guidelines, but rather weighing all relevant factors. Find doctors who will actually hear you out. Bring a list of questions and concerns with you to appointments, and don’t hold back from sharing things that you fear they will find irrelevant if your gut is telling you otherwise.

Find allies at your workplace who can help you find creative solutions. I was struck by how Tiffany Dufu created a makeshift daycare in a conference room at her office to avoid losing one of her top performers. While this is far from the treatment most employees can expect to receive, it goes to show what is possible when you have someone on your side.

The Power of the Squeaky Wheel 🛞

This also means not being afraid to speak up for yourself. As annoying and hard as it can be to self-advocate, unfortunately, no one else really has a clue to what you are experiencing.

Building confidence in speaking up for yourself helps to educate others, spread awareness about issues that other moms are likely facing, and open up pathways to different approaches and possibilities. 

If your friends are asking about a gift registry for your newborn, think about what would provide real relief - for YOU. My friends contributed to a food doula fund after I gave birth, and I’ll never forget how wonderful it was to have fresh, healthy, prepared meals on the ready when my body was craving nutrients, yet I was lacking any energy to make dinner.

Food for Thought 🥗

• What choices are you faced with that don’t feel like your own?

• What impact does that have on you? Your family?

• Might there be ways to shift the dynamic and gain more agency?

• Who might you need to educate or get on your side to support your PoV?

• Conversely, what choices have you felt complete control over, and what enabled that?

Digging into the layers we are given, construct, wear, and shed

Thank you for joining my Substack and being part of the community!

About Me

I’m Nicole Lenzen, a coach, consultant, facilitator, and mother.

I support clients expand into truer versions of themselves to confidently navigate parental leave, working parenthood, leadership, entrepreneurship, and mid-career transitions.

After a decade-and-a-half of chronic stress from trying to fit my square peg into the round hole of society, my body broke down, and I got Type 1 Diabetes (a forever auto-immune disease) as an adult. The diagnosis thrust me into a deep depression and identity crisis.

Today, I’m a single mom by design, raising a curious young adventurer who is the love of my life. My sense of self has expanded far beyond societal limitations. My constant seeking has been replaced by embracing parenthood and career as I define and live them.

I help my clients confidently navigate their own paths. Together we discover deep self-trust, we write our own rules, we attune to our hearts and bodies, and we thrive in living our values.

In doing this work together, I hope to break damaging cycles so future generations can safely show up as their authentic selves, creating fresh patterns of honesty, connection, and courage.

I’m thrilled for you to join the collective journey, and I look forward to learning from you ❤️.

What to expect from Layer by Layer

Digging into the layers we are given, construct, wear, and shed

You can expect to receive Layer by Layer in your inbox a few times a month, with anecdotes, insights, and resources to support you, wherever you are! My intent is to share valuable stories and tidbits that get you to pause, reflect, think or act differently, and look after yourself.

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