Holding Things Loosely
Releasing the pressure of expectation helps us thrive in uncertain times
Happy pre-fall to those of you experiencing cooler temps and lower humidity!
Perhaps seasonally 🍂 appropriate, a theme that’s been coming up again and again in coaching conversations lately is the idea of holding things loosely. While this overlaps with what I wrote earlier about letting go, here I’m talking more specifically about loosening our attachment to expectations.
In Buddhism, this is at the heart of nonattachment and impermanence, principles that describe how clinging creates suffering. When we grip too tightly to what we want (or think we want), we end up on an emotional roller coaster: rising with excitement when things seem to line up, then plummeting down when they don’t. Plus, we struggle to simply accept what is.
Attachment to outcomes also narrows our perspective. We treat results as binary: either our dream comes true (success) or it doesn’t (failure), and we miss the many other possibilities that might arise.
Some Examples from my Coaching Practice
To share some real-life examples, one of my clients is looking to transition from managing massive government architecture projects to developing his own boutique hotels and hospitality destinations. He tends to get swept up when an exciting opportunity appears, throwing all his spare energy into the concept. If the deal falls through during due diligence, he’s wracked with heavy disappointment and self-doubt until something else comes along. Together, we’ve worked on reframing these moments as opportunities for learning and relationship-building, while staying anchored to his long-term vision, to be more intentional about his pursuits. He shared:
“The reminder to ‘hold things loosely’ especially landed with me. I’ve often operated from a place of driving toward results, but I’m seeing how much more sustainable and aligned this work can be when I stay connected to deeper resonance, not just momentum.”
Another client is navigating something heavier. She’s suffering from severe burnout and a deep lack of self-confidence in her role, describing her day-to-day as being in constant crisis mode. In her words, conversations with other women in the industry feel like “clutching at straws,” relying on these touchpoints to continue keeping her afloat. The problem is, her sense of stability feels entirely dependent on others. While support systems are essential, it’s also critical to develop ways of propping ourselves up. In our coaching, we’ve been working on building in regular self-care, celebrating her accomplishments, and advocating for herself at work. The goal is to help her regain autonomy over her well-being and career, and to shift the perspective that says she’s only okay if others are holding her up.
On a lighter note, I have a client facing a different challenge: planning her partner’s first trip to Italy. Like most decisions in her life, she’s poured hours into agonizing over options, in this case, for hotels, restaurants, and even ticket tiers for cultural sites. There’s nothing wrong with doing research and being prepared, but we all know travel rarely goes exactly as planned, and sometimes the best memories come from the unexpected. This intensive analysis and optimization of decisions not only consumes a ton of time and energy, but also leaves plenty of room for doubt, second-guessing, and potential disappointment. We’ve been practicing creating space for spontaneity and building trust that she can handle whatever comes her way.
What Opens Up When We Loosen Our Hold
When we release our grip on expectations, we strengthen skills like flexibility, adaptability, and resilience, all critical in today’s world of constant change and uncertainty. And perhaps most importantly, we open ourselves to curiosity, surprise, and a greater acceptance of the unforeseen.
Experiments to Try
However, building more trust in possibility takes practice. Give one of these a try and let me know how it goes!
📝✨ Crumple & Toss
Write down a few expectations that you notice yourself gripping tightly. Write each one down on a piece of paper, crumple each into a ball, and toss them into a basket across the room. How does it feel to literally let go?
🎴🔀 What-If Shuffle
Grab a few index cards or scraps of paper. Write down a variety of different possible outcomes to a specific scenario, one per card. Mix them up, and draw one at random. Ask yourself: If this happened, how could it still move me forward? Keep going through the stack.
🎲🤝 Surprise Me!
Ask someone you trust (a friend, partner, colleague, or kiddo) to make a decision for you this week, without providing them the pros/cons of your deliberation. This could be as “simple” as choosing a restaurant, playlist, or route home. See what it’s like to relinquish control and stay open to what unfolds!