Looking in the Mirror: Learning to See Ourselves
Uncomfortable moments that brought me self-awareness
The concept of self-awareness has been on my mind lately, possibly because so few of us seem to exhibit it in our culture. It's not just someone you know living in constant denial about their role in patterns playing out over and over again. We're watching billionaire "leaders" live lives of staggering hypocrisy. What's being modeled for us is that it's acceptable (even advantageous) to be completely clueless about how you come across to others. I won't even get started on the individual occupying the highest office in the US, probably the least self-aware (yet most visible) person on the planet.
It also annoys me how professional content on self-awareness, while offering valuable advice on seeking diverse feedback, identifying our blind spots, and acknowledging mistakes, leans so heavily on the premise that managing social perception is primarily about advancing your career.
But here's what they're missing: without self-awareness, it's impossible to deepen and grow as an individual, and more importantly, to connect meaningfully with others. Strengthening relationships requires an openness to constructive criticism, dedicated self-reflection, and a willingness to adapt our behavior.
There's another dimension to self-awareness I frequently encounter with my coaching clients: the tendency toward self-judgment and doubt. For example, one client questioned her ability to persevere through challenges or see projects through to completion, until we reviewed her history of resilience. A colleague had even highlighted her perseverance in a recent recommendation letter, for a job opportunity that happened to align with a long-term professional goal. This realization fostered a greater sense of agency and a renewed investigation of her strengths.
Reflecting on my own journey, where self-awareness emerged later than I would have hoped, I can identify several key moments that shifted my self-perception, forced some uncomfortable reckoning, and changed how I show up in the world.
At 19, I studied abroad (for the first time), in Europe. What a wake-up call to how much of the world views Americans. Those experiences became critical moments for examining my own identity and confronting my previously unconscious ignorance.
In my early twenties, I was living in San Francisco with a very dedicated partner. In retrospect, I could be immature and even bratty in that relationship. I remember distinctly when my mom visited and pointedly asked him, "Are you just going to let her talk to you like that?" While my behavior didn't seem to bother my partner, having it illuminated so starkly woke me up to my own actions.
Years later, working as a consultant, I excelled at systems thinking, connecting disparate ideas, and rapidly grasping complex subjects. But I've always had impossibly high standards, and I struggled with impatience when others couldn't keep up. On one project, I remember snapping at someone on the client’s team who hadn't been able to follow my train of thought. The look of hurt and confusion on her face made me instantly regret my reaction and recognize how my expectations were affecting others.
When I discovered the Enneagram, particularly the in-depth guide The Wisdom of the Enneagram (Riso & Hudson), it was profoundly revealing to read descriptions of my personality type that resonated so deeply. Beyond the specific insights about Type 8 (the Challenger), the framing I encountered in one of my coaching programs around how difficult it is for people to truly see eye to eye was a major aha moment for me. We all show up with specific ways of being and carry distinct expectations of others, and we're often disappointed when others meet us with completely different demeanors and expectations. This insight illuminated how essential self-awareness and empathy are for fundamental human connection.
Self-awareness, and further, the willingness to change our behavior based on what we discover, is a lifelong process. But once you start genuinely looking in the mirror, it becomes much easier to step into that knowing and continue growing. (rhyme unintended, ha)
Food for Thought
What moments in your life feel most revealing in terms of seeing yourself, in any kind of light?
When has someone else's perspective on your behavior completely surprised you?
What feedback have you received that you initially dismissed but later realized was spot-on?
What patterns keep showing up in your relationships or work that you might be contributing to?
When have you been most incorrect about your own capabilities, either overestimating or underestimating yourself?
For Further Exploration
❓ Take the Enneagram Institute test to identify your Enneagram type and read more for a deep dive into your personality attributes and tools for living the healthiest expression of who you are
📓 Grab the School of Life’s Self-Knowledge Collection — cards and journal with thoughtful reflection prompts to help you discover your true, authentic self
🎬 Watch: Stutz on Netflix — A tender conversation between Jonah Hill and his therapist, Dr. Phil Stutz, about facing yourself, shadow and all, inner critics, agency, and the work of becoming more emotionally aware.
📚 Read Tara Brach’s books Radical Compassion and Radical Acceptance to increase your sense of self-worth by healing shame and fear
🪞 Curious about how coaching can support building self-awareness and behavioral change? Book a free 1:1 session to get a taste