There is No One Right Way to Parent
Takeaways from the Moms First Summit: Part 1
Last week, I attended the first-ever summit hosted by Moms First. Led by gender equality activist and Girls Who Code founder Reshma Saujani, Moms First is an organization fighting for the structural changes moms need and deserve: affordable child care, paid family leave, and equal pay for moms.
The summit had an impressive line-up and covered the gamut of topics related to advancing rights for mothers. In this post, I share some takeaways from the panel discussion on debunking mom myths and advice on carving your own journey (as a parent, or otherwise).
Debunking Mom Myths
PS: There is No (Societally) Right Way to Parent
How many mothers struggle with the systemic, persuasive belief that there is a correct way to parent? And that if you do it wrong, you’re a failure and so is your child? How many conflicting views are you constantly faced with? How much “expert” advice do you get that just feels wrong?
ParentData founder/CEO and mother Emily Oster is committed to changing this narrative and letting parents know that yes, there is a right way to do it...FOR YOU, not for everyone else.
In a common real-life example, perhaps your doctor and everyone else are telling you that you have to breastfeed, because it’s better for the baby. But in reality, breastfeeding is not an option for you, for any number of reasons, such as your milk never coming in.
Or maybe your manager has archaic views about remote work and pumping at the office has diminished your supply (more about this in a future post). Employer policies and flexibility (or lack thereof) have a significant impact on your options.
The qualitative sociologist, Gretchen Sisson, PhD argues that:
For all the individualism this country promotes, individual choice is a myth when societal factors come into play.
So how might you enable healthy, supportive decision-making for you and your child? 🤔
Surround yourself with folks who are willing to listen to what’s important to YOU, consider your personal preferences and constraints, and offer unbiased, non-judgmental input.
That includes your healthcare providers - their advice shouldn’t be verbatim medical guidelines, but rather weighing all relevant factors. Find doctors who will actually hear you out. Bring a list of questions and concerns with you to appointments, and don’t hold back from sharing things that you fear they will find irrelevant if your gut is telling you otherwise.
Find allies at your workplace who can help you find creative solutions. I was struck by how Tiffany Dufu created a makeshift daycare in a conference room at her office to avoid losing one of her top performers. While this is far from the treatment most employees can expect to receive, it goes to show what is possible when you have someone on your side.
The Power of the Squeaky Wheel 🛞
This also means not being afraid to speak up for yourself. As annoying and hard as it can be to self-advocate, unfortunately, no one else really has a clue to what you are experiencing.
Building confidence in speaking up for yourself helps to educate others, spread awareness about issues that other moms are likely facing, and open up pathways to different approaches and possibilities.
If your friends are asking about a gift registry for your newborn, think about what would provide real relief - for YOU. My friends contributed to a food doula fund after I gave birth, and I’ll never forget how wonderful it was to have fresh, healthy, prepared meals on the ready when my body was craving nutrients, yet I was lacking any energy to make dinner.
Food for Thought 🥗
What choices are you faced with that don’t feel like your own?
What impact does that have on you? Your family?
Might there be ways to shift the dynamic and gain more agency?
Who might you need to educate or get on your side to support your PoV?
Conversely, what choices have you felt complete control over, and what enabled that?